The making of awesome…

So in my last post I talked about how nothing is going to get handed to you and how I spent all of last year waiting for the year to get better and how it took me a whole year to realize, it wasn’t going to happen. When I figured out it wasn’t going to happen, I figured out why.

Because I didn’t make it happen!

I’m not going to go through the whole thing again, you can check out the last post HERE.

So that’s when I decided on making 2016 an awesome year. Now to start things off you cant just wing an awesome year and think it will happen. It has to be planned out, thought out, and put into action. Hints the last 10 days of the year. Planning out how to make an awesome year happen. The conclusion???  Boy do I have my work cut out for me. lol 🙂

First things first, is going to get a face lift. Things are going to be a little different around here for a while. Not the look of SKC (well the pictures going to change) but the content will be different then in the past. I think lol. To be honest I’m just kind of going with the flow right now. There’s so much to conquer this year that I am going to be posting on so many topics even my head will probably spin. Some days are going to just be pictures, some inspirational things, some so random it’ll leave a smile on your face and wondering where we’re gonna go next! 😉

I’m also going to be getting a face lift. It’s taken me 28 years to get to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin and I don’t care what people have to say about my sense of style, dress, writing, and what not. One thing I’ve learned in the last few years, the less you care about what others think, the happier you’ll be. Let me explain…

I have had many issues with different parts of my life and my person over the years. People would tell me how they thought I was to big for a person my height and how to lose weight. I cared what people thought about the way I looked and would do things to try and lose weight in the end failing horribly and hating my existence even more. People would tell me how they thought the clothes I wore were weird and that I had no style. So I would try to fit in and stay with the current trends, breaking not only my self confidence when I couldn’t fit into the clothes everyone else was wearing but also my bank account trying to, as the phrase goes, “Keep up with the Jones”. Again no matter how hard I tried I still couldn’t get either of these right and would end up horribly failing again.

People would get on to me about not having a life plan, so I let someone pick one for me, went to college for it, and hated every minute of it. I ended up dropping out and moving to a completely different state only to try to go back to college again after a few years and going for what everyone told me would be a “responsible and lucrative” career. Only to end up hating it and dropping out again. Here we are ten years after graduation and I not only have no degree were working on round three of college. Granted at this time I’ve pretty much told everyone to shove it and I’m going for what I want to do and what interests me, not what people think I should do or expect me to do. And I’m loving every minute of it.

I’ve also told people to mind their own business about my writing, my weight, and my dressing habits as well. Do I share my information on social media. You best your sweet patootie I do. I don’t give a dang what anyone has to say about it either. After not giving a damn about what anyone has to say about my life I noticed one thing. I finally had an opinion about my own life. Strange realization right?  Not if you really think about it.

To many times we worry so much about what others think about us and our lives that we tend to place our own thought on the subject in the back ground not paying any mind into what we think about our own lives. When in reality, its about what you think, not others. So when I started caring less what others thought and more about what I thought I finally hit that point of no return. Where I made my own damn decisions and people either accepted it or moved on. Because really, I don’t have time to waste on people who only want to be around me if I’m only a certain weight, If I only wear certain things, if I only act a certain way, If I never speak up and just go with the masses. I have three words for people like that. STM!

STM! = Screw The Masses!

So what happens when you finally start to realize what your opinion is about your situation. I don’t know! That depends on you, lol. Probably not the answer you were expecting but I’m not God. I don’t know what your life is like, I don’t know your situation, or what’s going on around you and who you surround yourself with. I can tell you what it did for me though.

I went from 300 lbs. to 225 lbs. and I’ve kept it off for a year. I lost weight because I wanted to get healthy and I wanted to feel better about myself not because people were telling me I should. I am about to start another program that will help me get more into shape and I cant wait!

I changed the way I dressed and it not only helped me in my relationship with God it helped me in my relationship with myself. I have so much more confidence in myself and that shows in the fact that I had a conviction and I stuck to it. Do I judge others for their manner of dress? Absolutely not! What works for me doesn’t necessarily work for anyone else. Am I judged for the way I dress? Yep. And I could care less. That’s the beauty of it, when I stopped caring what others thought about how I was dressing I started caring about how I thought I was dressing. In case your wondering I’ve adapted a more modest dress code and I try to cover up as much as possible.

No one told me I had to dress this way so don’t go on some “Bible Thumper” nonsense rant. It happens more often then one would think. I cant tell you how many times I’ve gotten the “Oh! you’re one of those people.” or the “What are you, a Mormon or something?” comments! First off what does that even mean? and No, I’m not but if I was would it even matter? Anyways, long story short, I’m totally confident in the way I dress now and I’m actually more fashionable in my opinion now then I ever was to begin with. Its amazing how much more freedom I have now then I did before. I’m going to be going into that at a later date (woo hoo post idea!) so I’m gonne move on from here.

I went from having a crappy outlook on life and no friends to having an awesome outlook on life and amazing friends. I got rid of people who didn’t give a dang about me and found people who love and accept me as I am as a whole. And I couldn’t have asked for anything better!!

After last year being the way it was and me coming to the realizations I did we find ourselves back at the “How are you going to make this year awesome?” part of the post. Did I get a little side tracked there? Not really, I said all that above because I had to figure out all of that stuff before I could get to the point were I am now realizing I have to get off my butt and make my year awesome.

So what do I have planned? Living my life to the best I can. Which means getting off my butt, getting stuff accomplished, getting the show on the road and getting out there. I can not wait to share everything with everyone and I hope you will all stick around for the journey ahead. Heres to road trips and fashion shows, awesome adventures and amazing pictures, a deeper realationship with God and my friends and family. Heres to being more open and honest, to sharing more of the love that I’ve found for life and myself with others, and heres to being famously me and not what people expect me to be. Heres to the ups and downs because lets be real, its not all going to be rainbows and unicorns! Heres to you and me darlin’!

It’s 2016 and this is going to be our best year yet. Not because we waited around for it to happen, but because we made it happen.

Not quite where I am in your self discovery journey? You’ve got plenty of time hun, but its not gonna happen until you want it to. Also, you’re gonna have to work your butt off and there is a perfect saying in this case, “Fake it till ya make it!” sounds dumb but it works trust me. Take your time but live your life as your doing it.

Blessings to you all in this new year and don’t forget to check back in on the awesomeness of 2016!





2016 the year I made it awesome…

This year is going to be awesome. I’m going to make it awesome. Let’s be real about how things go through out the year. Yes, there are things that are out of your control. Things you have no power to change. However, your reactions and the way you carry yourself through out the year and your attitude towards your family, friends, and life in general affect how your year is going to go.

This last year I have found this to be particularly true. I had things happen like my grandfather dying that were things beyond my control. Then there were things like the meeting of my friends at my new place of employment, finally getting out of debt, and getting stuff straight so I can get back to school. That were great.

to be honest 2015 was a rough year all around but not a bad one. One thing I learned though, was that you can’t just wait for things to happen. All year I kept waiting for things to get better and it just wasn’t happening. It seemed like one thing after another after another. Some of it good but most of it not. One thing stayed true through out though.

I kept waiting for things to change…

Instead, I should have been changing them myself. I am the one who controls my thoughts, my attitude, the way I carry myself, and the way I treat others. I should  have been changing things when I didn’t like them, starting with me and the way I look at the world.

So that’s my goal for 2016. My New Years resolution if you want to call it that. To make 2016 an awesome year. No ones going to hand it to me, I’m going to have to work for it and make it happen.

I’m planning on 365 days to an awesome year: a realistic bucket list. Which means a post everyday no matter how small or if it’s just a picture. It means starting the year out awesome. This year long list will have big things and small things on it. In fact, day one is already complete.

Day one, spend the fist day of 2016 surrounded by people who love and care about you. And I totally did that. Today has been awesome and I’m looking forwards to this whole year!

I hope you all had a wonderful and safe New Years surrounded by friends and loved ones. Here’s to an awesome 2016. This years motto: Make It Happen!


If we were having coffee right now,

Hey Darlin’ how are you doing? I know its been a little while since we got a chance to catch up but here we are now coffee in hand and rearin’ to go. How’s everyone been doing? How’s life been treating you? would be the first thing I said to you if we were having coffee right now.


If we were having coffee right now I would tell you all about my fight last night with a meatball sub and how I fell in the middle of the dining room with nothing around me. If the marinara sauce trail down the front of my skirt and the burn mark on my left pointing finger has anything to say about it, the sub won. But just between you and me, that sub is currently sitting at the bottom of some ones tummy so who really was the victor? and about that fall. Well in my defense we all know I’m not the most graceful person in the world. No, the floor wasn’t wet and there was nothing with in a five foot radius. I was checking the consistency of gravity in that spot compared to other spots in the room. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, as the song says.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you about the work out sessions I have been having at home and how I am actually starting to see a difference three weeks in. However I am having an issue with the fact that every time I do a plank, my cat likes to pick that moment to jump on my back and fall asleep. I mean really, of all the places he could choose at that moment in time he has to choose me. I think in his own twisted feline way he thinks he is helping momma exercise but he really is just being a butthead.

If we were having coffee right now I would also tell you about the fact that I have been trying to eat clean and though I have been doing better. I really need to get my stuff together. I have been slacking and there is no point in exorcising as much and as hard as I am if I am just going to east crappy food. However, I refuse to give up my coffee. I haven’t had a soda or energy drink in three years so thank God I don’t have to worry about that.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you how I know I should feel guilty about missing the last two Sundays at church and that I really should get my but back there. It’s nothing wrong with the church just that I’ve been sick the last week and the week before that, well that was just plan laziness. I know, I know, that’s not a good enough excuse but hey, at least I’m not making one up.

If we were having coffee right now I’d tell you all about the fact that in less then three weeks the guy I am currently “talking to” (note the quotations there, were not dating, just friends with the potential to move into something more.) comes home and we are finally going to get to see where this is going to go. He’s been in Washington State for a while and finally gets to come home. I’m excited on the hand that he will be front and center and we can move on from the letters and occasional phone calls but on the other hand I feel like, that at my age (I’m 27), I’m a little to old for the high school approach/ritual of getting together. Either were going to date or were not. I’m not looking for a simple relationship, I’m looking for long term here. I’ve made this quite clear and I’m getting mixed signals. And now I feel like this has turned into one of those Dear Abby letters. Oh what the hells, any thoughts dearie cause I’ve got nothing here. I think its just gonna have to be one of those play it by ear kinda things. At least he’s finally coming home though, that’s something to look forward to, right? lol.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you how happy I am that the colder weather is coming in but how much I detest being cold. I don’t understand how I can love Fall and Winter so much but hate being cold. I think it’s because I absolutely adore Christmas and the meaning behind it. Plus anything that has Hot chocolate, peppermint, hot apple cider, family, friends, snow drenched mornings, warm nights by the fire, and Jesus at the heart of it. Just makes me smile and warms my heart. At least with it being cold I can always put more clothes on. What’s that saying? I can always put more clothes on, I cant take as many off? Something like that I think. Which I guess just depends on who you are. Plenty of people walking around these days with barely anything on. Don’t believe me? Walk into any Walmart. Then come back and tell me that aint true! Lord knows I don’t need to be walking around like that. I’ve got flab in places it should be illegal to have!

If we were having coffee right now I’d tell you all about my plans for traveling in June and how I love my family but I’m not so excited about going to Texas. I haven’t seen anyone down there in five years and though I feel a little guilty about that, the last five years have been pretty rough. Like I’m not quite sure how I managed to remain on Earth rough. Things have gotten better though but I had so much going on and such a lack of funds that traveling that far was not an option. I did keep in contact via phone and emails and what not. But there’s this saying that “The road goes both ways.” My dad makes plenty of money and gets like 12 weeks paid vacation. It’s a twelve hour drive and if he and my family down there wanted to see me so badly and knowing the situation I’ve been in, they could have come to see me at any point. I love them all dearly but I can’t feel to guilty knowing all of that. Plus, how are you going to make me out to be the bad guy here when your willing to drive 14+ hours, going right by my town, maybe an hours drive out of your way, at least three times in those five years? Yeah, I know my family is complicated. Don’t even get me started on the other half.

If we were having coffee right now I would also mention the fact that when I do go down to Texas in June for my sisters graduation, that I’ll have three friends with me and we are taking a 13 day cross country trip. Stops which include Texas, Colorado, Utah, California, Washington, and anywhere else along the way. Now that I am excited about and makes the trip to Texas all worth it! One day with my crazy family, 12 days of awesome traveling and vacation time with my best friends. Yeah, I think I’ll manage.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you how much I have enjoyed our conversation and ask what your plans are in the near future? Are you taking any trips soon? Do you have a crazy family to? Have you checked out the gravity consistency lately? What about your pets? Are they as much of buttheads as mine?  What about you? What would you tell me if we were having coffee right now?



I want to see the world. One country at a time, one city at a time. I want to travel this amazing Earth that God made and see the wonders it holds. I want to have adventures both close to home and in far off lands. I want to, and I am going to. I refuse to allow fear to keep me from exploring new to me lands. They say the first step is the hardest. They say that once the travel bug bites, there is no antidote. Will you take that first step with me? Will you allow that bug to bite you and infect you with wanderlust?

After my trip to Newport last week, and yesterdays trip to Park City. I am becoming more and more anxious for my next days off just so I can hop in the car and take another wonderful trip. I don’t know where I am going or what I will end up doing. I do know though, that I am going. I am planning a trip in June to Texas with a couple of friends for my sisters graduation and then a mini 10 day road trip. I am also planning a 7 day trip to Paris in November with a friend. The more I talk about traveling the more I want to do it.

With everything going on in the world today like ISIS attacks, unbalance in the Middle East, the Paris attacks, and increasing numbers of attacks around the world you would figure I would want nothing more then to crawl under my bed and hide. The honest truth is though, it makes me want to travel more. I don’t know why. Perhaps its the thought that no matter what your doing you never know when your time on this planet is going to come to an end. I know that isn’t much of an argument but in all honesty isn’t it?

Think about it, and I am in no means trying to justify the things that are going on around the world, but I could die tomorrow on my way to work which is only a mile from my house. I could be at work tomorrow and someone may decide to come in and rob the store in which case, I could die. You never know when your going to go or where, but do you want to live your life in a little box never seeing the world or the wonders it has to offer because you’re to afraid to go anywhere?

You’re still going to die. If I am going to die anyway damn it, I want to do so while seeing the world. I pray that I will go peacefully in my sleep sometime around my 90’s after a long and wonderful life but I honestly haven’t got a clue, only God does. Being afraid is going to get me no where. Literally and figuratively.

I’m not going to let things that are beyond my control and powers keep me from seeing this beautiful world. And it is beautiful. Even with all these things going on, the world is still a beautiful place. It’s full of adventures and wonders. I read a quote today and for the life of me I cant remember all of it or who said it but it went something along these lines:

“Traveling the world is like being five again. You go to a place you are unfamiliar with. You don’t know the terrain, you don’t know the language, you are completely reliant on instinct and the local people around you. You are also filled with the wonder a child is filled with at that age. Everything is new and amazing, just walking down the street brings the promise of adventure. What five year old does not dream of adventure? You look at your new playground with wonder and amazement and set forth to explore. Everyone should feel this feeling, if you have never felt it, then you have never truly lived…”

That isn’t exactly word for word and as I said I cant remember who said it but I hope you get the gist of it. It makes complete sense to me. When I get to go to a new place I am filled with amazement. I don’t know whats going to happen, what I am going to see, or the adventure I am going to have, just that I am going to have one. I want to feel this way all the time. I want to experience new things, new places, and new people. I want to write about these places, people, and adventures and share them with the world so others will want to experience them.

I haven’t quite figured out how to do this all the time, only when I have the funds available and the time to do so. I do plan on traveling though. I can’t wait to share my next adventure with all of you. I hope you’ll join me! Until then…


After thoughts:

Do the increasing attacks world wide cause you to want to travel or to stay closer to home? If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? Are you experiencing wanderlust as well? Do you have any upcoming trips planned? if so, where to?

A Free Day?

Hey ya’ll,

Can we talk a minute about how I can’t remember the last time I had a day off where I could just do whatever I wanted! I not only had zero errands to run, I was able to join friends for lunch, went to see a historic sight in the process, went to Barnes & Noble for a new book, got to go shopping for things other than groceries (though I do admit to picking up one or two things, lol), and I actually had time to cook dinner and eat it fresh! (Normally I make my dinners ahead of time and microwave them, even on days off, because I have so much that needs to get done.) It was nice to not have to spend my day off running errands or paying bills.

Though I generally don’t mind doing these things and often find them fulfilling and enjoying as well. It was amazing waking up after working until midnight, having absolutely nothing to do. I will also admit that when I first woke up I checked my day planner to see what I had to do today and kind of had a mini meltdown when there was nothing on the list. I’m not used to a full free day. I often have to schedule them. (Like our trip to Newport Kentucky last weekend. You can see pics from the trip here!)  It was shocking and I sort of panicked but after a cup of coffee (I’m an addict 😉 ) I calmed down and just sat back to revel in the moment.

What was I going to do with myself all day?

I’m not usually an idle person. So sitting around all day doing nothing wasn’t really appealing to me. I do enjoy the occasional lazy, specially this time of year. (there is nothing like cuddling up under a cozy blanket and reading a book while drinking some hot cocoa.) Today though just didn’t feel like one of those days. So after a good cup of peppermint mocha and a few text messages. I ended up meeting friends for lunch at a charming café in Park City, Kentucky.

Grand Victorian Inn

Grand Victorian Inn

Mammoth Railway Café  is located in an old Victorian B&B and is absolutely beautiful. It just so happens that a good friend of mine, Chef James Sowders and the significant other to one of the friends I was meeting for lunch is their executive chef. I hadn’t had a chance to visit yet since the cafés grand opening and the renovation of the B&B a couple of months ago. I’m so glad we went today. The food was amazing and the service is great! It’s also a nice quiet environment to visit with friends and a lovely little look into history as well. If you’re ever in the area I seriously recommend going. (I’m not just saying that because I know the chef either, lol. The grilled pimento cheese sandwich with pasta salad is to die for!)


Right next door to the café also happens to be a historic sight in Kentucky. Bell’s Tavern was an inn back in the 1820’s-1860’s and unfortunately burned down in a fire. As they began to rebuild the Civil War broke out and halted the construction. It never seemed to pick back up afterwards. It was a nice stop and good to see a place of history that is just down the road from the small town I live in. We enjoyed a few photo ops and a good little walk around the grounds after lunch. (It also inspired todays Quoted Take Two a theme I am picking up for Fridays. I need a new catchy name but it hasn’t hit me yet. Any ideas?)

After lunch we all went our own ways and I again found myself wondering what to do. I wasn’t quite ready to go home and end my day, it was only 2:30pm. So I decided that since all I had to do tomorrow was housework and write, that I would pick up a book for that ‘occasional lazy’ day I mentioned earlier. (Barnes & Noble here I come!) Did a little shopping afterwards (I could share that to but honestly there is a limit, lol.) and came home to make some awesome spicy chicken spaghetti and write this post. Currently I’m sipping a cup of peppermint mocha (my favorite coffee) and watching the cat watch Funniest Pets on TV. No really, he’s honestly watching it. Oh fine, I’ll prove it!


See, I told you! Apparently it’s interesting. He’s been sitting there for about twenty minutes. Well all, I think I’m going to end my post here. I’m about to be kidnapped by the blogosphere and read some posts I’ve missed. I don’t usually have the time to just sit there and read all of them, only a few here and there. So if you happen to get a few likes from me, I promise I’m not stalking you. Okay maybe I am, but not in a weird way. Although when you call it stalking it always sounds weird. Okay, I promise I’m not trying to be weird lol just catching up on some of ya’lls wonderful blogs and sharing the love.

Are your guys day usually as chaotic as mine? What do you all do on your free days? Have you ever had to schedule a “free” day like me? I hope you all have a wonderful night. Until next time…



To my mother,


I miss you. Oh, how much I miss you. Do you visit often? I sometimes randomly start to sing the song you sang to me when I was a child and think of you immediately. Are those the times you come to see me? They happen more often now. I like to think its just you checking in and seeing how I’m doing. Maybe just stopping by to say hello and letting me know your still here with me. It’s comforting sometimes. Would you get mad at me though if I was honest and said that other times I wish it wouldn’t happen? I doubt you would. You always taught me to speak my mind and let people know how I’m feeling.

Sometimes, just as I think I am about to move on. It happens. I start to hum our tune and there you are. On my mind again. I think about how if you hadn’t been taken from me so soon I would be able to share the things going on in my life with you. I know that on some level if your on my mind and your around that you know what’s going on, but It’s not like I can actually talk to you. Face to face that is. I can’t pick up the phone and call. I can’t skype with you. Where your at there isn’t internet. Or maybe there is we just don’t know. No one really knows what heavens like.

I don’t remember what you sound like. Sometime its hard to even remember what you look like. I have pictures but that isn’t the same. It’ll be ten years this January that you’ve been gone. I found a video the other day and it took me a while to realize that the person talking in the back ground was you. I try to remember you before you got sick. Before you withered away in front of me. I try, but it doesn’t work. Thank God I have pictures of before or all I would remember is you sick. That’s not how I want to remember you.

I want to remember the times you would take me to the beach in California and I would bury my Barbie’s in the sand and we would run from the waves. I want to remember the times you took me to the skating rink in LA and taught me all the things you learned growing up in competitive skating around the world. I want to remember the times you would run through routine after routine with me for cheerleading, making sure I got it right. I want to remember the times you would just sit and listen to me talk even if I made no sense. I want to remember the times we shared over midnight donut runs and you doing my hair in a million braids so it would hold a crimp. I want to remember all of our good time, and there were so many of them. Yet sometimes, all I can remember are the times when you were sick. When life wasn’t so good, and we never knew what the next day would bring. Even then though, you were amazing.

Did I ever tell you that enough? That you were amazing. No matter how much pain you were in. No matter how hard it was for you. You never complained. You sat there everyday, watching us go about our lives and doing the best we could and you never complained. You went through round after round of chemo, surgery after surgery, and never once complained about it. You didn’t say anything about how much it hurt you to move. I know it did to. I never said anything but I could see it on your face sometimes. Though most of the time you covered it up quickly. You went through everything you did and you never complained once. We sure did though. Not about you being sick but about our lives in general and the things every person complains about.

I often wonder what you would say about how my life has turned out. Would you be proud of me? I often measure how I do things on that scale. What would mom say if she knew what had happened today? Or what would mom do in this situation? I’ve found that if its something you would like or agree with I go on with it. If its something I think you would question I pause for a minute and take a step back, I re-evaluate the situation and go from there. It’s not lead me astray yet. I do question whether you would be happy with my life the way it is. I don’t think you would be but I think you would be proud of the fact that I’m in a much better place now then I was a couple of years ago. Heck momma, I’m in a better place now then I was a year ago.

I haven’t made the best decisions in the last ten years. I know more then once you were probably sitting there shaking your head at me. Silently telling me, Girl your gonna regret that. I had to learn on my own though. I wish you had been here to help me get through the worst of my decisions. Some of which were bad. They hurt me in more ways than one. However, you always told me growing up that life was a bitch and she would, if given the opportunity, hand down some harsh lessons. None of which though, would be ones we didn’t deserve. Cause’ we all make our own decisions and what goes around comes around. Boy has life given me some hard lessons to learn. And like you promised. All of them were brought on by my decisions. The times that life has been good though, its been real good. Those are the times I see you sitting in my corner of the ring going, That’s my girl!

I wonder sometimes if grandpa is with you. He left us in June and I want to think you were there to meet him on the other side. His passing was so much more peaceful then yours. He didn’t suffer like you did. I often wonder if that had something to do with you. I like to think that you put a good word in on our behalf and that do to your passing being so hard on all of us, maybe they gave us a break with grandpa. I know grandma had a very hard time with your passing, she still does. If grandpas hadn’t been so calm I don’t really want to think about what would have happened to her.

Do you check in on her a lot to? She’s doing okay these days. She misses you and grandpa terribly but I’m with her so she’s not by herself. I couldn’t have her living by herself after grandpa died. Even she says she didn’t know how she would have made it with out me being here. That makes me feel better about the situation I suppose. Sometimes we drive each other crazy but when you get people who are just as stubborn as the other in the same house. It’s bound to happen. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I live by myself. I was just about to get an apartment when grandpa got sick. I had just signed a lease and about two days later got the call about grandpa. Grandma stick to her usual routine though. She watches her “stories” and does word searches. I sometimes catch her looking over at the corner in the living room where we’ve set up a memorial for you and grandpa. Neither of you wanted to be buried so we decided to put you two next to each other. There’s lots of pictures of you, him, and other members of the family both here and not here. Things that you guys had brought back from your travels around the world and lots of candles. You and grandpa both loved candles.

When I think of the life you lived and the person you were before you got sick. I want so much to be like you. To do the things you did. To see the things you saw. You got to travel the world. You saw things people can only dream of. You did things people can only wish to do. You lived such a filled life in such a short amount of time. That I want to do the same.

I’ve been having a rough week. Life is kind of at a crossroads for me right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, where I want to be, where I want to go. I want to write, I want to take pictures, I want to travel, I want to do so much, and yet I don’t know where to begin. I think so much about the things you did at my age, the way you acted, the way you treated not only yourself but others, and the way you lived your life. You and grandpa both were amazing people. You had such an amazing outlook on life and I cant help but want to have that same outlook. Is that bad? Is it wrong for me to want to walk by you? I don’t want to walk in your shoes. I don’t want to have the same exact life you did. I want to be like you though. You were always cool. You were my parent but you were also my best friend. I could tell you anything and you didn’t get mad. You looked at everything with an open mind and you never once judged me for the things I did. You never demeaned me for being just that, me. You were honest with yourself and others but never in a mean way. You told the world exactly what you wanted to but you were never hateful or rude to other people. Even when they deserved it. You never hated on yourself. You were always you. And in my eyes, you were amazing.

I want to be like that. I’m not always a nice person, I’m not always a good person. I treat myself and others terribly sometimes. I know some would say everyone is like that. I don’t remember you or grandpa being like that. I don’t just say that because of who you are either. I know I wasn’t always around either but there were times when you didn’t know I was looking and you had every right to be mean or hateful with someone. Yet you weren’t.

I’ve decided I want to be a better person. I want to love the world and myself as much as you loved it. I miss you, and that will never change. I want to live a life that you would be proud of, I want to be a person that you would be proud of. I know no matter what I do you will love me anyway. That doesn’t change the fact that I want to be a better person. I want to be like you. I want to share with the world the type of person you raised me to be. If you were here I know what you would have said to me if I told you the things about where I am in life right now.

“So write, take pictures and travel the world, be a person you would be proud to know. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Don’t keep your mouth shut but don’t be hateful about it either. Live a life full of wonder and adventure. Don’t worry about everything so much, life is going to happen whether you live it or not. Do you want to look back ten years from now and wonder what if I had done all that? Or do you want to look back and say, What if I hadn’t done all that? I’ve told you more then once darlin’ that things aren’t gonna just come to you. You have to work hard for what you want. If you wanna get healthier. Then get healthier. You know how to do it. It truly isn’t that hard. Don’t like where you’re at in life? Pick another spot. There is a whole world to chose from. Quit wishing your life away and make something out of it. I’m proud of you no matter what you do. You know that, now its time for you to proud of you. So get a move on, girly.”

That’s exactly what you would say to me. Perhaps that’s you saying it to me now. This is me telling you then momma. I’m okay, grandmas okay, were all okay. We miss you terribly, but were getting by. I’ll live my life and i’ll live it well. I’ll quit wishing and wanting and I’ll start doing. I’ll make the most out of this life that you gave to me. You taught me everything I needed to know while you were here. I promise I’ll start putting that into practice, starting now! Here’s to day one of the rest of my life. I love you, thank you for everything, I miss you!

Love your daughter,


(This is me and my momma when I was a little baby in Japan. It’s one of my favorite pictures!)

Me as a baby and my Beautiful Mother

Me as a baby and my Beautiful Mother